HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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