my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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