well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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