I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize