i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm passing your future prison.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
