The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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