Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
