I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I can't turn off my feet"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
