you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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