great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
