i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
