evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
