I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
