Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
