I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
