If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
