Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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