I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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