I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
