You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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