I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
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