Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
im having a threesome with these popsicles
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Randomize
