Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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