we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
