No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
