I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
