You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
