i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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