well I can't set my house on fire every night
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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