Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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