Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize