NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
