Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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