I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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