Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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