i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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