Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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