He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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