Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
