your parents love me but you hate me
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
