i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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