new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Randomize
