My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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