put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
