2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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