She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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