I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
