You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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