I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
