why do cheetos always look like penises
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
