i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
