she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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