so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
