I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
