Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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