his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
