turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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