you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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