He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
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