If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
