I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
